I feel like things are moving faster than I can handle. If I stop for a moment and allow my thoughts to stray into the future or back to the past I feel paralyzed with fear.

Sometimes when I look to the past I mostly think of situations I could have handled better or situations where I behaved like an ass or a moron.

I think of interactions in my recent past where I failed in my estimation. For instance, I ran into several old friends recently and my current situation came up and despite all my practice, all my determination to take control I gave more information away about my health than I wanted to. I failed to practice the answers I’ve been rehersing so I can stay in conversations, not feel uncomfortable, and hold my head up high.

When my thoughts stray to the future I get into the counting game. Maybe if I do really well I can be back to a full time job I enjoy in 6 months, maybe a year, but what if it takes longer? What if I never find anything I can support myself and family with that I’m passionate about? What if it all falls apart again?

I try so hard just to stay in the present to think about now and only now but I’m not always able to control my thoughts. I keep thinking being mindful of the present is the only way forward. I can feel the difference when I stick to this. I feel less worried, less terrified, less hopeless. 

I just don’t understand why I can’t maintain my grip on the now. Why do I constantly allow myself to be dragged to the unproductive parts of the past and future when I know it won’t help. I’m not an ouija board or a fucking magic 8-ball. 

Does anyone else have trouble maintaining mindfulness? What works for you and what doesn’t? I’m not looking for anyone to solve my problems but I could sure use some reassurance there is hope.

K

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